Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

Steven Wright

Most Shared Quotes

Julius Caesar Men in general are quick to believe that which they wish to be true.
Robert Louis Stevenson It is not so much for its beauty that the forest makes a claim upon men's hearts, as for that subtle something, that quality of air that emanation from old trees, that so wonderfully changes and renews a weary spirit.
Sophie Ellis Bextor On my wedding day. I didn't want a natural, blushing-bride look - I had a full-on hairdo and red lips. I thought it would be disingenuous to do the whole virginal look, so even though I had the white dress, I had pink net underneath.
Barack Obama It took a lot of blood, sweat and tears to get to where we are today, but we have just begun. Today we begin in earnest the work of making sure that the world we leave our children is just a little bit better than the one we inhabit today.
Lou Brock When I was a kid, I used to imagine animals running under my bed. I told my dad, and he solved the problem quickly. He cut the legs off the bed.
Andrew Wiles I hope that seeing the excitement of solving this problem will make young mathematicians realize that there are lots and lots of other problems in mathematics which are going to be just as challenging in the future.
Tom Colicchio Even cooking at home, the difference between my wife cooking and me cooking is major. When my wife cooks, the kitchen looks like a disaster. When I cook it's completely clean and organized and it doesn't look like anyone has been cooking in there.
Neil Young Live music is better.
Umberto Eco In the United States there's a Puritan ethic and a mythology of success. He who is successful is good. In Latin countries, in Catholic countries, a successful person is a sinner.
Mike Fitzpatrick As the father of six children, I know very well the challenges technology poses to our families.
James M. Barrie We are all of us failures, at least, the best of us are.
James Otis My dear sister, I hope, when God Almighty in his righteous providence shall take me out of time into eternity, that it will be by a flash of lightning.
Grover Cleveland The United States is not a nation to which peace is a necessity.
Ryan Giggs I had my footballing heroes such as Bryan Robson and Diego Maradona but my dad was a rugby league star, and he was my real hero. But the relationship with my mum was rocky and we saw things that would affect any youngster.
Sachin Tendulkar I get 0.5 seconds to react to a ball, sometimes even less than that. I can't be thinking of what XYZ has said about me. I need to surrender myself to my natural instincts. My subconscious mind knows exactly what to do. It is trained to react. At home, my family doesn't discuss media coverage.
Charles Caleb Colton The society of dead authors has this advantage over that of the living: they never flatter us to our faces, nor slander us behind our backs, nor intrude upon our privacy, nor quit their shelves until we take them down.
Peace Pilgrim Anything you cannot relinquish when it has outlived its usefulness possesses you, and in this materialistic age a great many of us are possessed by our possessions.
Edgar Allan Poe There is something in the unselfish and self-sacrificing love of a brute, which goes directly to the heart of him who has had frequent occasion to test the paltry friendship and gossamer fidelity of mere Man.
Johan Huizinga Every age yearns for a more beautiful world. The deeper the desperation and the depression about the confusing present, the more intense that yearning.
LeBron James You have to be able to accept failure to get better.
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Steven Wright

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